Feeling alone or separate is at the core of the imprint we share in this human experience, and this patterning affects all areas of our lives — including our businesses — until we start waking up (i.e., becoming aware and transforming). Looking back on our childhoods, we can usually gain some insight into how and when this separation pattern was instituted in our lives.
For me, I believe it took root in my pre-school years as a habitual emotional response, that was later reflected in life stories well into adulthood. By the time I was three years old, my sisters were in school, my father was at work or otherwise preoccupied, and I was left to a solitary existence at home, alone, with my mother. Aside from my relationships with my sisters, I had little interaction with other children until I started kindergarten.
At school, I was sensitive, shy and introverted, and I always felt a little different — like I didn’t quite fit in and wasn’t “enough”. How I experienced myself – particularly, in relationship to others – would create a sense of “aloneness” that became an unconscious part of my identity until I started waking up.
As an adult, being a people-pleaser/perfectionist, I “did well” externally in my jobs and career, largely, as the result of abandoning myself in some way in order to fit in, perform and gain approval. What was not working was my relationship with myself and, by extension, the disconnection I felt in my personal and professional relationships. The stress and exhaustion of living and working from a false identity, finally, drove me to quit my job fifteen years ago and start out on my own in my first business as a professional fund raising consultant.
Being a solo entrepreneur, I thought I would avoid the politics and dysfunctional dynamics I was part of when I worked for others. What I came face-to-face with was the aloneness story that had been running in the background of my life for many years. How this was acted out in my new business was through my finances and the struggles I had to attract clients back then.
Today, while the alone program is by no means completely reconciled within me (I’m a work in progress, as we all are), I have made much headway in transforming it, through inner work and support from therapists/healers. I know how to respond skillfully when it shows up, even in its more subtle forms.
In my work with therapists and wellness professionals, the alone pattern often arises at some point during our work together. When it does, we take steps to heal it, while also developing practical, effective, authentic relationship building (marketing) and offering (sales) processes, because all of these are vital to connection, client attraction and financial well-being.
The Effects of Aloneness on Client Attraction and Finances
Aloneness can be beneficial by helping us to connect with our individuality and explore ourselves, but it needs to be tempered with connection with others. For those of us who are sensitive, aloneness can sometimes be used as a buffer protecting us against dense and/or strong energies around us and environments where these energies prevail. The liability with this pattern is that, in business and life, it can feed disconnection that manifests as a lack of clients, lack of funds, debting, underearning, overspending or workaholism.
The more connected we feel to ourselves, the less alone we feel. When we feel disconnected from ourselves, it is often because we are abandoning or not supporting ourselves. Primarily, we do this by judging ourselves, ignoring our own needs (focussing on others’ needs over our own) and repressing or denying our feelings. Judging ourselves is often mirrored in how we judge others, and this separates and disconnects.
From this place, it is difficult to create balanced, meaningful connections and, in the case of our businesses, it is difficult to reach out and create relationships with clients and prospective clients in authentic and healthy ways.
Without awareness, a lack of clients or money can affirm the false belief that we are alone, weird or different and reinforce feelings of separation and disconnection. This is why it’s important to recognize these circumstances, simply, as a symptom of a false belief/feeling pattern, rather than validation of a “truth”.
Ways to Transform the Alone Program
“Ultimately, what we are looking to is the deepest connection within ourselves. As we get more connected to that, we begin to feel in harmony with other people and with the rest of the world.”
— Shakti Gawain
Like all transformation, healing the “alone” pattern takes awareness and patience and is a process that starts with the desire, willingness, commitment and courage to change. Here are some tips and coaching questions to support you with this process:
1) Discern how the alone program may be playing out in your healing business and your life and to what degree. How may it be manifesting in your finances and business? What triggers feelings of aloneness for you?
2) Aloneness is a core feeling and can be felt, habitually, in the body. Where do you feel it in your body, and what does it feel like? What does it look like? What does it sound like?
3) Once you’ve developed an awareness of the feeling of aloneness in your body, you will be able to more easily spot it when it arises and allow yourself to release it. A simple and powerful releasing tool is The Sedona Method, which uses an inquiry process. “Could you allow the feeling of aloneness to be here? Could you let it go? Would you let it go? When?” The Sedona Method also addresses and reconciles basic wants such as the want to be separate (alone) and the want to be one (connected) – polarities that can keep us spinning mentally and emotionally.
4) Work on clearing your judgements about yourself and others. Byron Katie’s The Work inquiry process and Judge Your Neighbour/Judge Yourself worksheets are favourite tools of mine for this.
5) Visualize yourself connecting heart-to-heart, authentically (i.e., being yourself) with prospective clients and professional partners, listen for inspiration/Higher guidance about how to do this, then take action to reach out.
As we develop ways to support ourselves, such as doing this inner work and changing habitual mental and emotional responses, we feel more connected and less alone. This enables us to connect easily and joyfully with prospective clients, draw in the clients we’re meant to serve, have healthy and balanced relationships with them and enjoy satisfying, creative and financially abundant businesses.
In The Prosperous Healer™ Inner Mastery Sessions, I help clients access the habitual mental and emotional patterning of aloneness and other programs that are affecting their ability to attract clients and flourish financially, de-link and release the neuro-net pathways of those patterns and install a new, healthy, embodied sense of connection with themselves and others.
If you are interested in finding out more about this service, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
© Copyright 2014-2016 Mary C. Davis, ANAM TURAS. All rights reserved.
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